I wasn't a Shawol to begin with. I'm an ELF. But I cried harder than the time when HyukJae enlisted.
I found out about this when my friend sent me a video of the news on Snapchat, and I was all 'WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?'. Deep down in my heart, I wasn't buying it, until I see for myself on Twitter. I read through all the tweets talking about it. I did not cry. I even laughed a little when I told my mom. He's not gonna die. He's joking. He's JongHyun, man. The one with the brightest sunshine-like smile. And then SM released the official statement. I was still okay.
About 2am, my friend said, 'Don't be too sad, sleep early. Don't stay up so late for him.'
Yea, sure. I don't know him, why am I sad? I switched off the lights and started thinking. God, I prayed to you. I asked you to pull him out from his coma. Why didn't you? I haven't been praying for a long time. I did not expect a reply like I usually do. But I did.
'I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.'
Tears started falling. Why am I only crying now but felt nothing when this news were out. I cried. I wanted to pray. But I can't.
I don't know how many times I've cried today. Reading about him already finished his schedules and donated his organs, seems like he had all planned out. How sad is it for him to plan this while living. How did he even do it.
He's smiling when he's hurting.
He's encouraging when he's broken.
He's motivating when he's devastated.
He's cheering when he's sad.
He's saving lives when he's asking for help.
He saved a thousand but he couldn't save himself.
I don't know how do I explain why am I hurting so much.
As a fan, I know exactly how huge of an impact an idol have on a fan's life. I started having negative thoughts when I was 15. I was demotivated. I asked God to help me keep going. And I went to Super Show 6 in Singapore. On the train to Singapore, I cried. Not exactly sure why but I remember I was really sad. I remember telling my best friend about it. That night, I was worried cause what kept me going since January 2015 is happening in a couple of hours. How will I be able to keep going after that? But of course, hahaha. It's idols after all. They work in some mysterious way in fan girls' life. I promised myself to become a better me and have the ability to tell them how much they meant to me in my life. And if I were to get famous and successful, they'll be my answer on every interview.
I'm still unsure about why I was crying. Maybe for the relationship between an idol and his fans. Maybe for the pain he went thru. The reason why I write this is to remind myself that there is one person who died trying, there is one person who still cared about all his loved ones even in his last breath, there is one person who did nothing but good to others, there is one person who was inspiring others while he's covered in blood, there is one person who screamed for help but no one came, there is one person who saved thousands but can't save himself.
To whoever that stumbles across this:
It is okay if you can only save one person.
It is okay if that one person is yourself.
08.04.1990 - 18.12.2017
May you be freed from what troubles you down here.
See you on the other side.
