Goodnight, Kim Jonghyun.

On 18th of December 2017, we've lost him.

I wasn't a Shawol to begin with. I'm an ELF. But I cried harder than the time when HyukJae enlisted.

I found out about this when my friend sent me a video of the news on Snapchat, and I was all 'WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?'. Deep down in my heart, I wasn't buying it, until I see for myself on Twitter. I read through all the tweets talking about it. I did not cry. I even laughed a little when I told my mom. He's not gonna die. He's joking. He's JongHyun, man. The one with the brightest sunshine-like smile. And then SM released the official statement. I was still okay. 

About 2am, my friend said, 'Don't be too sad, sleep early. Don't stay up so late for him.'

Yea, sure. I don't know him, why am I sad? I switched off the lights and started thinking. God, I prayed to you. I asked you to pull him out from his coma. Why didn't you? I haven't been praying for a long time. I did not expect a reply like I usually do. But I did. 

'I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.'

Tears started falling. Why am I only crying now but felt nothing when this news were out. I cried. I wanted to pray. But I can't.

I don't know how many times I've cried today. Reading about him already finished his schedules and donated his organs, seems like he had all planned out. How sad is it for him to plan this while living. How did he even do it.

He's smiling when he's hurting.

He's encouraging when he's broken.

He's motivating when he's devastated.

He's cheering when he's sad.

He's saving lives when he's asking for help.

He saved a thousand but he couldn't save himself.

I don't know how do I explain why am I hurting so much. 

As a fan, I know exactly how huge of an impact an idol have on a fan's life. I started having negative thoughts when I was 15. I was demotivated. I asked God to help me keep going. And I went to Super Show 6 in Singapore. On the train to Singapore, I cried. Not exactly sure why but I remember I was really sad. I remember telling my best friend about it. That night, I was worried cause what kept me going since January 2015 is happening in a couple of hours. How will I be able to keep going after that? But of course, hahaha. It's idols after all. They work in some mysterious way in fan girls' life. I promised myself to become a better me and have the ability to tell them how much they meant to me in my life. And if I were to get famous and successful, they'll be my answer on every interview.

I'm still unsure about why I was crying. Maybe for the relationship between an idol and his fans. Maybe for the pain he went thru. The reason why I write this is to remind myself that there is one person who died trying, there is one person who still cared about all his loved ones even in his last breath, there is one person who did nothing but good to others, there is one person who was inspiring others while he's covered in blood, there is one person who screamed for help but no one came, there is one person who saved thousands but can't save himself.

To whoever that stumbles across this:

It is okay if you can only save one person.

It is okay if that one person is yourself.

08.04.1990 - 18.12.2017

May you be freed from what troubles you down here.

See you on the other side.

Anxiety

Writing this blog post to raise awareness on the most discussed topic: anxiety

After all these years, I've came to a realization that a lot of people don't know what anxiety is. Well, it's actually understandable because some of the people who has anxiety didn't know it was anxiety until- when? I don't know about others but I didn't know I have anxiety until last year November when I sort of undergo an anxiety attack. I always thought it was just feeling you get when something bad is about to happen. 

Today, my mom called me to ask about Big Bang's TOP. 

Mom: What happen to TOP? He has a depression is it?

Me: Uhm, it's actually anxiety.

Mom: What's anxiety?

Me: Panic.

Mom: I don't think he's gonna make it.

Me: HE IS going to make it. He regain his consciousness today.

I was on the edge of flipping when she said depression. Like??? How can one assume anxiety is depression? It wouldn't be written in different words if it has the same meaning! I didn't really talk to people about my anxiety, and this is why. People always thought it's some kind of mental illness and it would stop you from carrying out daily routines like a normal person could. 

What's getting on my nerve is the fact that people actually say stuff like 'don't overthink it', 'it's all in your head'. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't! My anxiety attack is getting more and more frequent recently and what did I get? Stop stressing. Like, how many middle fingers do you need? Now, words of advice, if you don't want to worsen the situation and you're afraid that you would do something wrong, just leave them alone. 

Anxiety are getting more and more common among teenagers nowadays. And I really hope that people can understand how anxiety works and what can you do about it. Anxiety attacks can happen anytime and anywhere. It doesn't need a reason to happen either. 

Anxiety attack aren't always hyperventilating and rocking back and forth. Anxiety attacks can take different forms, such as:

• Unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability
• Nit-pickiness (obsessive behavior, which may be part of OCD), and even a hypersensitivity to disarray, chaos, or any sort of change
• Fast-talking, stuttering, stumbling over words
• Not talking at all
• Sitting rigid, staring into space, almost seeming 'zoned out'

Understanding the way anxiety works can help to decrease the stigma and help to calm a person faster and get them out of that state. These are just a few,but it gives an idea of the range in which attacks can come. So, when you notice these symptoms in your friends, try not to ask them 'are you okay?' because I can ensure you that you're not doing any help. You can simply just accompany them in silence to help them out. 

You know when you're in the car and your seat belt locks up for no reason like it thinks you're about to crush but you're not and you're just stuck for a while? That's a really good metaphor for what it's like living with anxiety and panic disorder. Sometimes things happen for no reason and sometimes you think you're dying and you just have to sit there and wait it out, then eventually it just does it again.

If you don't understand metal illness. Good for you. You shouldn't have to understand.