If you really have to vent, vent to God.

I know exactly how is it like. At one point of life, you'll be so stressed out that you really want to vent to someone, and normally that someone is your friend. I understand how our close friend(s) have been there since day one and thru thick and thin so you'll naturally think that oh I have a problem now I shall go to them. Well, technically, it isn't wrong to do so. Just remember this, a listening ear is also a running mouth. Always watch who you vent to.

Few days back, I got a notification from the app Sprinkles of Jesus with a title, 'Vent to God'. I look at it and be like, yea, why don't I just vent to God instead of my friends? After all, God is not only our Father, our Savior, He is also our Friend! With that being said, you'll think that I started venting to God instead of my friends. Oopsie dopsie, you got it wrong! I continued venting to my friends and yea, totally, betrayal happened. Not gonna lie, it feels awful. Mostly being disappointed in myself, though. God already reach out to me, all I have to do was grab His hand tight and it will all be fine, but I didn't. So when I was praying to God, asking Him to let the secret dies, it didn't happen. And I know perfectly why is that so.

The bible says to cast ALL our worries on Him, yet so many times I hold onto them because I don't want God to know what's happening, I don't want to lose God's love, I don't want God to abandon me. I feel ashamed to tell God about my problems because it just shows that how sinful I am. Thing is, God already knows what's happening! And He still loves you for who you are, unconditionally. He is waiting for you to come to Him, and tell Him about it so that He can remove what's troubling you. All you have to do is talk to Him. God is just a prayer away!

I know, talking to God seems like a one way journey. When you vent to a friend, you can get a clear reply instantaneously. It doesn't work like that with God. Most of the time, you'll just hear that deafening silence. And you'll feel like you get nothing in return. Think about it this way, "We can't hear God's voice whispering if we have so many distractions and won't still our mind long enough to consider what He may be saying back to us in return". Even if we don't hear the whispers, you begin to see His hands at work in our lives!

There's nothing that you can't talk to Him about! God is waiting and He wants us to trust Him for He will never turn His back on us. So, the next time you feel the need to vent, vent to Him - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Goodnight, Kim Jonghyun.

On 18th of December 2017, we've lost him.

I wasn't a Shawol to begin with. I'm an ELF. But I cried harder than the time when HyukJae enlisted.

I found out about this when my friend sent me a video of the news on Snapchat, and I was all 'WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?'. Deep down in my heart, I wasn't buying it, until I see for myself on Twitter. I read through all the tweets talking about it. I did not cry. I even laughed a little when I told my mom. He's not gonna die. He's joking. He's JongHyun, man. The one with the brightest sunshine-like smile. And then SM released the official statement. I was still okay. 

About 2am, my friend said, 'Don't be too sad, sleep early. Don't stay up so late for him.'

Yea, sure. I don't know him, why am I sad? I switched off the lights and started thinking. God, I prayed to you. I asked you to pull him out from his coma. Why didn't you? I haven't been praying for a long time. I did not expect a reply like I usually do. But I did. 

'I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.'

Tears started falling. Why am I only crying now but felt nothing when this news were out. I cried. I wanted to pray. But I can't.

I don't know how many times I've cried today. Reading about him already finished his schedules and donated his organs, seems like he had all planned out. How sad is it for him to plan this while living. How did he even do it.

He's smiling when he's hurting.

He's encouraging when he's broken.

He's motivating when he's devastated.

He's cheering when he's sad.

He's saving lives when he's asking for help.

He saved a thousand but he couldn't save himself.

I don't know how do I explain why am I hurting so much. 

As a fan, I know exactly how huge of an impact an idol have on a fan's life. I started having negative thoughts when I was 15. I was demotivated. I asked God to help me keep going. And I went to Super Show 6 in Singapore. On the train to Singapore, I cried. Not exactly sure why but I remember I was really sad. I remember telling my best friend about it. That night, I was worried cause what kept me going since January 2015 is happening in a couple of hours. How will I be able to keep going after that? But of course, hahaha. It's idols after all. They work in some mysterious way in fan girls' life. I promised myself to become a better me and have the ability to tell them how much they meant to me in my life. And if I were to get famous and successful, they'll be my answer on every interview.

I'm still unsure about why I was crying. Maybe for the relationship between an idol and his fans. Maybe for the pain he went thru. The reason why I write this is to remind myself that there is one person who died trying, there is one person who still cared about all his loved ones even in his last breath, there is one person who did nothing but good to others, there is one person who was inspiring others while he's covered in blood, there is one person who screamed for help but no one came, there is one person who saved thousands but can't save himself.

To whoever that stumbles across this:

It is okay if you can only save one person.

It is okay if that one person is yourself.

08.04.1990 - 18.12.2017

May you be freed from what troubles you down here.

See you on the other side.

Anxiety

Writing this blog post to raise awareness on the most discussed topic: anxiety

After all these years, I've came to a realization that a lot of people don't know what anxiety is. Well, it's actually understandable because some of the people who has anxiety didn't know it was anxiety until- when? I don't know about others but I didn't know I have anxiety until last year November when I sort of undergo an anxiety attack. I always thought it was just feeling you get when something bad is about to happen. 

Today, my mom called me to ask about Big Bang's TOP. 

Mom: What happen to TOP? He has a depression is it?

Me: Uhm, it's actually anxiety.

Mom: What's anxiety?

Me: Panic.

Mom: I don't think he's gonna make it.

Me: HE IS going to make it. He regain his consciousness today.

I was on the edge of flipping when she said depression. Like??? How can one assume anxiety is depression? It wouldn't be written in different words if it has the same meaning! I didn't really talk to people about my anxiety, and this is why. People always thought it's some kind of mental illness and it would stop you from carrying out daily routines like a normal person could. 

What's getting on my nerve is the fact that people actually say stuff like 'don't overthink it', 'it's all in your head'. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't! My anxiety attack is getting more and more frequent recently and what did I get? Stop stressing. Like, how many middle fingers do you need? Now, words of advice, if you don't want to worsen the situation and you're afraid that you would do something wrong, just leave them alone. 

Anxiety are getting more and more common among teenagers nowadays. And I really hope that people can understand how anxiety works and what can you do about it. Anxiety attacks can happen anytime and anywhere. It doesn't need a reason to happen either. 

Anxiety attack aren't always hyperventilating and rocking back and forth. Anxiety attacks can take different forms, such as:

• Unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability
• Nit-pickiness (obsessive behavior, which may be part of OCD), and even a hypersensitivity to disarray, chaos, or any sort of change
• Fast-talking, stuttering, stumbling over words
• Not talking at all
• Sitting rigid, staring into space, almost seeming 'zoned out'

Understanding the way anxiety works can help to decrease the stigma and help to calm a person faster and get them out of that state. These are just a few,but it gives an idea of the range in which attacks can come. So, when you notice these symptoms in your friends, try not to ask them 'are you okay?' because I can ensure you that you're not doing any help. You can simply just accompany them in silence to help them out. 

You know when you're in the car and your seat belt locks up for no reason like it thinks you're about to crush but you're not and you're just stuck for a while? That's a really good metaphor for what it's like living with anxiety and panic disorder. Sometimes things happen for no reason and sometimes you think you're dying and you just have to sit there and wait it out, then eventually it just does it again.

If you don't understand metal illness. Good for you. You shouldn't have to understand.

Human Stupidity is Beyond Infinity

Complicated

Nobody said it was easy, but nobody said it was that hard, too. I'm using this quote so often recently *laughs* maybe life is really that hard. It had been a hard time for me these days, especially this two weeks. The only thought I have recently is "Maybe if I'm pretty, I won't suffer that much". All my life, I never have this thought until last year. But life is cruel, and so does truth. Looking good makes life easier by at least 5%.

Fuck I'll just stop here.
Its too hard to begin.
Peace out.
For now.

Expect The Unexpected

She likes him, a lot. The only thing that she can do is running after him. She felt bad about herself, she has acnes all over her face. She thought that she was ugly. Where ever he goes, you can spot her at the back, following him. She's looking at him all the time, but she will look away when his eyes met hers. Although her heart beats like a freak whenever she walked pass him, she never confess her feelings to him. He deserves a better one, she thought. So this one day, he caught her gaze, again. This time, he walked straight towards her. She panicked. "When will you stop doing this?" he asked. She panicked even more, "I don't know what are you talking about..." she said. "You like me, don't you?" he said. "No," she said. He smiled gently, and walked closer to her. His cologne smell, she thought. He raised his eyebrow, "I had a crush on someone already," he said. "Oh, congratulations then," she replied him with a smile. "Do you wanna know who is it?" "No," and she turned her back against him. Tears start dropping as she walked away. She didn't know that being rejected by someone she loved will hurt so much. It kills, somehow. She wanted to run, but he grabbed her and pulled her into his arms. "Seriously girl..." while resting his chin on her forehead, he asked "can you be my girlfriend?" Her mind went blank at that moment. She looked at him in the eyes. He pulled a huge smile, the smile that she fell for, and rubbed off her tears. "Yes," and she buried her head into his chest.

Parents. I guess ?

Do you know how hard life is with unsupportive parents? Its like you don't wanna die but they force you to. Its super hard ok SUPER HARD. Never tell us how amazing your parents are, we don't know that and apparently don't care about that. When I was a kid, I wanna learn ballet. My mom said " You saw those dancing kid on tv right? All fat fat one you wanna be like them? " As a child obviously I'll say no. Look at how Asian parents kill future generation's dream. Fantastic. As I grew older, I realise that it's all about money. Only richass kid can follow their dreams, and us can only get a kick in our butt follow by " go study lah, play everyday " Without money, the only thing you can do is study. No matter you like it or not. You get a F, study. You get a B, study. You get an A, or 100, study, aim for 101. I'm going out of topic sorry. So recently I pick up a new hobby which is drawing and currently my mom is not being very unsupportive. She is just being unsupportive. My brother doesn't have this kinda kissure cause he doesn't have a life. I'm not kidding bruh. His life is about video games. I can't get to do whatever I like. When I can, she just have to be harsh on me. This doesn't mean that I don't study ok I do. Just, not that much. I only study two weeks before exam. And after exam there she goes again. Study, study, study. IT'S LIKE THE DAY AFTER EXAM YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK. I hate this life fucking sick. You know what, I study, not for future sake. I study to get good results, in order to get scholarship, and run far far away from Malaysia, from my family. RUN YOU KNOW RUN. Let her be unsupportive as fuck I'll run. Oh yea, she said, " if I used my money on you, you have to pay for your brother's expenses." HAHAHHAHAH LMAO i'm only three years older than my brother for fuck sake where do I find money. Not even rob can have so much. I don't even know how to name this post lmao I campur everything inside. What's the point of this post again?